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X Factor Gets the Girls

Yesterday I put X out in the yard with the adult does to finish breeding whoever didn’t succumb to his charms last go-round. Previously, all mating rituals had been done in a back breeding pen, out of sight of prying human eyes. We had an understanding, X and me. I let him have access to the ladies and he was supposed to do his business at night, away from us. Days are for flirting and hilarious buck behavior, nights are for breeding. Besides, none of the does were interested┬áin the rag we had rubbed all over X anyway so I wasn’t worried. X would follow the terms of our understanding.

X apparently doesn’t actually DO understandings.

Five minutes after entering the yard, he fixated on Topaz and proceeded to breed her three times in a few minutes, 10 feet from the edge of the deck where my friends and I were chatting over coffee, rudely and repeatedly subjecting us to a wanton display of his manly power. Okay, X. We get it. You’re pretty studly. Put it away now…oh COME ON! You have like a WHOLE ACRE in the yard pen to do that in! Must you do it right here?

Yes, he seemed to be saying as he made creepy eye contact in the middle of his rampage. Right here.

The really fun part was that Tempest is apparently also coming into heat again, since she spent the entire time trying to block X from breeding Topaz by inserting herself between them in an effort to get bred herself. It was like watching a love triangle in action. Tempest was shameless, kind of like the drunk girl at the bar who is trying to make eye contact while putting her ankle behind her head in an effort to show how flexible she is, while you’re there with your girlfriend. Mighty X assured her that he would be back for her tomorrow but he needed to spend some quality time with Topaz right now.

We couldn’t look away. It was like a train wreck. If X’s goal was to put on a display of his amazing prowess, he achieved it. We were dumbfounded by his ability to go over and over….and over and over and over.

After an hour of near constant jump-and-humps, we retired to inside the house, both excited that the breeding was confirmed and a little sad about the death of the last of our innocence. Two hours later, I stepped back outside, certain that X was spent and I would find them calmly chewing their cud under the trees.

I was so, so wrong. I showed up just in time for yet another round of LOOK AT ME, and decided that I could go ahead and mark topaz as what I like to call “superbred,” which is like being bred, but with visual trauma for the viewers.

Today it’s Tempest’s turn. The little attention-seeking drunk girl will finally get her shot. When I let her out this morning I shook my head. Be careful what you wish for, girl.

UPDATE: 20 minutes in and he has bred Tempest twice and went back to Topaz once. He looked cross-eyed at Red, who promptly headbutted him and told him NOT

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X Factor’s Diary

[Note: The following text was found in a corner of the breeding pen, soaked in buck urine and tears, obviously penned by our very own X Factor after 2 days of being out in the yard with the girls.]

Topaz wants nothing to do with me now. We had a great time for 2 days and now it’s like no matter what I do she ignores me. I stood outside her house all John Cusack-like with the boombox of my manly voice, singing of my need for her, but she flounced off to eat hay like everything we had was a lie. I even peed on my face and showed her how amazing I smell. Nothing. It’s like I’m just somebody that she used to know. I saw that little brat of hers eyeballing me while she was trying to get some milk this morning, too. If you’re big enough to eyeball your mom’s boyfriend, you’re too big to still be nursing. Good grief. Remind me not to date any more single moms.

Just when I decided to amble off alone into the wilderness to lick my wounds, Tempest came up. Okay, so maybe we had a quick thing yesterday for like 10 seconds but this girl acts like she’s about to boil a bunny if I don’t give her some attention. I stood still and tried to ignore her but she kept trying to do the lambada on me or something. She smells really good too. Okay…I figured I could use Tempest to make Topaz jealous but it turns out that apparently there’s some kind of drama over Tempest being a grain hog or something and they aren’t friends. Whatever. Maybe Tempest can heal my broken heart. Wait, where’d she go?

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Power to the New Rooster!

My new black rooster, aka Uncle Festus, is currently staging a revolt in the chicken pen after making it through quarantine. Brutus, the longstanding and forever undisputed king of the flock, may end up losing his position to a spunky little guy half his size.

While my normal tendency is to root for the underdog, in this case I’m a bit miffed. Brutus is a protective, observant rooster who takes good care of his girls, watches for predators, and herds them into the coop at the first sign of danger, taking up a noble post in the doorway. This new guy, however, seems more interested in chasing the hens all over the place and running between Brutus’ legs so he can flip around and peck him in the back of the head. Poor Brutus.

You would think that my second-in-command rooster would step in and help. But no. He is simply taking the opportunity to mate all the hens out in the open while Brutus is otherwise occupied. I think he is excited that he no longer has to sneak around to the darkened corners of the coop to get love, like some teenager under the bleachers.

Will Brutus hold on to his spot as King of the Hill? Or will he be usurped by the dark and handsome newcomer? Stay tuned tomorrow on As the Waterer Empties.

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Welcome to Just Kidding!

This is the new blog, meant to showcase the wild adventures of our goats. Feel free to follow the blog for updates in email, or follow us on Facebook to see when there are new stories.

The pic is Hoss, a nice little buckling of ours that ended up at another farm as a wether companion.